Lately;
Things i’ve absorbed (these many weeks) #9 + notes on compulsive understanding
A few nights ago I spoke (rambled nervously) at an open mic about the juxtaposition of experience I hold in my life; the full embrace and active seeking of humanity and all its messiness contrasted with my unrelenting control over my own. I've written extensively on my propensity for perfection, even in this newsletter, but, as perfectionism warrants, there will never be an end to the ways in which I can tease it apart. An endless discovery of techniques for dissection and reassembly.
I imagine each scenario that garners my attention as a floating orb that I can fracture into pieces with the wave of my hand. Suspended in air, I push and pull each part; intimately discovering each scratch, chip, crevice. I have hundreds, if not thousands of these orbs stored away in the grand hall of my brain. I return here often to examine and catalog my findings in excruciating detail. I update them as many times as my mind demands
Rarely in these records do I note something along the lines of this X makes me feel Y and leave it at that. Rarely do I trust that Y feeling is enough information in itself. There is always A-Z explanation to toil with and AA-ZZ after that. There is always an incessant voice of “why?” that seeps through the walls; a constant whisper that echos into a wind; an inescapable force.
My toddler-like need to find answers to every single why feels equally like a staple of who I am and a part of me I’d like to shove into a little jar and cast into the ocean. But without my whys and my need to solve them, I would not be nearly as good at paying attention, finding the through line between seemingly unconnected aspects of life, or committing myself to a writing practice that is rooted in discovery and reimagining.
I am learning to compartmentalize my whys. Not in a sequester-them-to-a-dark-corner kind of way, but in a let-them-dance-around-in-the-grand-hall way. The compromise is that not all things have a place in that hall. Most of life does not fare well when forced into orb form and prepped for continuous dissection. Sometimes things just are; feelings just are; we just are. Sometimes it is not my job to figure out the why– it is the natural state of things to reveal themselves to me. My whys and compulsive need to define them only function as a way to delay that process. My efforts to figure everything out conflict with my understanding of subjective reality; the understanding that there is no possible way for me to be 100% sure. And yet, I try.
I watched Before Sunrise for the first time last weekend (i know) and, of course, it changed my life. Céline, in all of her wise and beautiful glory, explains to Jesse [paraphrasing] that god does not exist inside of us, but in the spaces between– in our attempts at understanding one another. When I think about understanding in that sense, it seems rather foolish of me to play god. To do anything but sit and watch and revel in the divinity of the attempt drains energy that is meant for much greater things.
I am learning to decipher when my whys are portals to creation and discovery, or when they are merely a way for me to keep myself tied to the throws of my perfectionism. I am learning that most whys pertaining to other people will never have clear answers. I am learning to have compassion for myself when I try anyways.
This week’s Lately; is an ode to observation and the awareness that sometimes the why is embedded in the experience itself. That there is nothing else to learn beyond what already is.
The Creative Act: A Way of Being – Rick Rubin
I haven’t finished this yet but have not stopped talking about it. It's simple in its approach, with short chapters and uncomplicated concepts. But the awareness it brings to the importance of, well, awareness while living and working as an artist is such a welcomed reminder. Rubin talks about the unique trait of an artist as the ability to clearly interpret the signals the world is always sending you. The ability to be present, recognize patterns and act on ideas at their due time. He gives advice for connecting to this “antennae” as he calls it, as well as writes about the importance of remaining boundless– never boxing yourself into a specific formula of creating or definition of what type of creator you are. The day I bought this I grabbed the last copy; the rest of the inventory had been sold just that morning. It was the first day on the shelves at this particular store. Although the hype is definitely because Rubin is a legend in the music industry, as someone without a huge emotional connection to that space I still find this book so important. I started reading it during a time I felt especially stuck in my head– analyzing a static stream of whys. It brought me back into my body and into the world. Thank you Mr. Rubin :). Excited to keep reading and revisiting his words.
On Being – The Thrilling New Science of Awe
On Being is back! After a few months' hiatus, one of my favorite pods returns with a banger of an episode. Host Krista Tippett is joined by Dacher Keltner – director of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkley. Keltner comes on to discuss his work on the benefits of feeling awe. Raised by a professor of literature and a visual artist, Keltner grew up searching for objectivity but retained a reverence for the space emotion and subjectivity deserve in scientific thought. As such, he is doing some pioneering work at this intersection and has devoted the past 10 years to awe. His research details how experiencing awe with others can sync your nervous systems together in a state of harmonized homeostasis; collective effervescence.
Definitely recommend this if you’re in the mood for a feel-good chat about collectivity, putting the soul back into science, and some really cool research that ‘proves’ what spiritual traditions have been saying for centuries.
Awe is something I tap into often- or rather it finds me. It comes to me in the way the manroot vines on my deck wrap their little arms on the wires around them for support; in the way the light bounces off each water droplet in my shower if I take one at exactly 2 pm; how every time it is above 70 degrees, my entire neighborhood gathers in the meadow to enjoy the sunlight and each other’s company. :,)
When is the last time you were in awe of something? Would love to hear all about it<3
Glow [album] – Alice Phoebe Lou
Let’s say I was a lone sailor out late at night in the vast, open waters. Let’s say you were a siren. Let’s say you wanted to lure me to a section of jagged rocks so that I capsize, drown, and you could feast on my body. Singing anything from this album would 1000% achieve that goal.
I’m not convinced that Alice isn’t actually a siren herself. Each track feels simultaneously like the source and remedy to every migraine I’ve ever had. It's as if someone fed me a tape recorder to give the little version of me in my gut a platform to scream about all the times I ignored my intuition, went through a painful heartbreak, or just lived the gutwrenching experience of girlhood and love.
I discovered it through her song Only When I. Lyrics below:
Are you f’ing kidding me? If I found this song a year ago it would have become my religion. Although it describes feelings I haven't felt in months [humble brag], I’ve shown unwavering devotion to it all week– listening to it first thing in the morning like I don’t even want a chance at a Normal Day. It hits the perfect sweet spot of ohhhh my god pain and hurts so good.
To be fair I feel like this one is antithetical to this week’s throughline, but, alas. Enjoy.
Other notable mentions from the album:
Mother’s Eyes (!!!!)
How to Get Out of Love
Heavy // Light as Air
Lover // Over the Moon (!!!)
Velvet Mood
More tunes:
Death of the Phone Call / Whatever, Dad
Fish / Billie Marten
Open the Door / Otis Redding
Afterglow / Luna Li
Brown / Kyle Dion
Witchoo / Durand Jones & The Indications
(yes, I will listen to these all in one sitting. yes, I am also confused about what my vibe is at any given moment.)
