Reflections on a year of [beginnings, endings]

lessons & ramblings

The past year saw the ends of cycles seamlessly meet their beginnings again; taking new forms, new faces. I finished undergrad and began the final year of my master’s program. I learned— the hard way— how to spot and heal repetitive patterns in my relationships [and how to choose better to begin with]. I broke up with my therapist of four years (devastating) and welcomed a new one to guide me through whatever is to come.

I learned how much I love working with my hands. Specifically submerging them in clay for hours to end up with off-centered and barely functional pieces of ceramic ware. I learned how to love the process. To not be embarrassed when your ceramics professor giggles while watching you Try Your Best.

I watched as people I love moved across states and oceans to begin the next chapters of their lives while others found their way back to me. I nestled into my own next chapter and the ones after that. I chose myself over and over again so I’d have enough left to pour into the people I adore.

I moved to a part of the city I’ve always said I would without any idea of how I would get there. I started calling myself a writer; giving myself permission to explore what that could mean for me. I was published a few times. I started writing this newsletter :,) which has been unexpectedly life-affirming.

I zoomed in. I paid attention. I lost the plot and discovered new ones. I fought my own mind countless times. I won just a taaaaad more than I lost.

I learned the art of receiving in stillness. The power of boredom. The fact that I am not as good at hiding as I thought I was. The reality that I have and will hurt people, just as they have hurt me, more times than anyone could ever be comfortable with. I’ve learned how to do my best and be okay with that. To be okay with other people’s “bests”. To stop staring at a wound, pushing my thumbs in deeper.

I remembered myself. How much I love to dance. and sing. and lie in the dirt. kiss. scream. sit in my parked car and have life-altering realizations. record the aftermath for later review.

While looking forward to the year ahead, I thought about a conversation I had a few months ago:

My new therapist asked me what I wanted to get out of our time together. I wasn’t sure. I eventually found the words, “I want to feel safe in my own body.”

I am always three steps ahead and just beyond the bounds of genuine connection. Always “safe”. Always calculated. Always setting traps and falling into them. Playing god. Determining endings before the beginnings even have a chance. I’m exhausted.

I want to wander into the woods and trust myself to find a way out. Or to find out I actually like the woods and build a little home in there:).

I want to trust that not having an answer means it is not mine to have— at least not yet. I want to be okay with existing in the meantime.

In the spaces [ ] between.

I want to have love & give love & be loooooved. I want to embody my desires; freely, fully, and without shame. For that, I need to allow myself to be seen. Doing so is easy here with written, disembodied words. Words that are still, in some ways, at arm’s length. But it’s time to go do that Out There again. I’d like to be known.

I think 2023 is going to take up a lot of space in the meantime. I am nervous & excited & optimistic about the suspension between knowings; for this space is necessary to breathe life into whatever will proceed. this space is life itself.

so hello & happy new year.

I hope to see you soon<3.

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And, of course, my personal In & Out lists for the year ahead:

In:

• indulgent, 3+ hour dinners with friends

• taking your time (like an extraordinary, unnatural, and completely ridiculous amount of time)

• blocking people for the f*ck of it

• leaving lengthy voicemails to friends & acquaintances alike

• returning to center

• visualizing taking [yourself as a child] around everywhere you go and buying her a little treat

• crying in public

• wiggling your body in whatever way feels good at any given moment

• memorizing poetry and book passages

• making bad art

• tea ceremonies

• overpacking your bags

• openly caring to an embarrassing extent

Out:

• pathologizing [normal] human behavior

• overloading yourself with obligations to combat under-stimulation

• suffering for the f*ck of it

• “ethical non-monogamy”

• yelling (at me, specifically)

• shame !!!!!

• inflation

• getting stuck in The Maze

• fearing your own success

• cigs (AGAIN)

• 5th floor walk-ups

• pretending to not be obsessed with me

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